Shut My Mouth

2010-06-03T22:27:00.003-04:00

All I did last Easter, all I did was paint some eggs.

2010-04-04T22:43:00.003-04:00

Happy Easter loves!

Hoping to maybe, perhaps, post a bit on here in the coming weeks. Will be off work for a bit and may be bored to tears. Perhaps I'll be motivated to write, perhaps not. I'll post my pics at least. Just finished a digital editing class.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your long hair

2009-12-15T21:31:00.001-05:00

Rise up this mornin', Smiled with the risin' sun

2009-11-20T09:10:00.002-05:00

There are a LOT of birds in Florida.

Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

2009-11-17T23:40:00.002-05:00

"But because we don't know (when we will die), we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. Perhaps not even. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless".
~Paul Bowles

For Lou

2009-11-01T17:43:00.000-05:00

SOS she's in disguise

2009-10-22T23:43:00.004-04:00

Watching Into The Wild again. Love this movie. Costume party this weekend. I love dressing up. I want to be unrecognizable this year.

Everyone has their own story You have yours, I have mine

2009-10-12T22:00:00.006-04:00

Things here have been good, bad, good, bad, good, bad. They're good now. I'm just living my life. That's all I can do. Enjoying most of it though. So that's a good thing.
My son made me a card today. It said "Have a Happy Thanksgiving Mommy!" Later in the day, he got mad at me and ran upstairs to change the card. He crossed out the "Happy" and replaced it with "Boring". Apparently this is the opposite of happy to him. That kid just kills me.
Have a Boring Thanksgiving!

I had to win a stuffed doggie or I'd break her poor heart in two

2009-07-11T00:26:00.002-04:00

Son, Daughter, Mom, Aunt, Daughter, Sister

2009-07-08T19:31:00.002-04:00

Let me hear you say, this shit is bananas

2009-07-03T13:40:00.002-04:00

From the Onion

Twitter Creator On Iran: 'I Never Intended For Twitter To Be Useful'
June 24, 2009 Issue 45•26
SAN FRANCISCO—Creator Jack Dorsey was shocked and saddened this week after learning that his social networking device, Twitter, was being used to disseminate pertinent and timely information during the recent civil unrest in Iran. "Twitter was intended to be a way for vacant, self-absorbed egotists to share their most banal and idiotic thoughts with anyone pathetic enough to read them," said a visibly confused Dorsey, claiming that Twitter is at its most powerful when it makes an already attention-starved populace even more needy for constant affirmation. "When I heard how Iranians were using my beloved creation for their own means—such as organizing a political movement and informing the outside world of the actions of a repressive regime—I couldn't believe they'd ruined something so beautiful, simple, and absolutely pointless." Dorsey said he is already working on a new website that will be so mind-numbingly useless that Iranians will not even be able to figure out how to operate it.

and I say it`s all right

2009-07-02T21:48:00.005-04:00

Ola! Have been doing some fun stuff lately. Camping, hot air ballooning, taking photos. Took this week off work. My ONLY week all summer and it's rained every.single.day. Yay!

Together they would travel, on a boat with billowed sail

2009-06-17T21:40:00.003-04:00

I was reading my kids the first book in the Harry Potter series tonight. The one that introduces Harry & explains how his parents died, and how mean his aunt & uncle are to them. William suddenly asked me "Mommy, who loves Harry?" Of course, at this point in the story, that is the horror that he instinctively understood. NO-one loves Harry. I explained that his parents did but that they died. This line of conversation evolved into the kids asking me if they would move out when they got older, if i would get old, how old will they be when i die, and the next thing I knew all three of them were crying which of course got me crying. It was so BLOODY sad. It tore my heart out. Maybe it's the first time i realized how much my kids love me too. The thought of us not all being together someday ripped my heart out. I have thought about it many times but i think this is the first time they have, or at least the first time they've voiced their fears. Anyway, i got myself together & explained in a cheerful voice that they wouldn't grow up for a long time & we'd do lots more fun stuff together and tried to keep the fear at bay. Theirs and mine. They all kissed and hugged me and held on to me for much longer than usual before being tucked into bed.

It's rainy here. Rained all day & all night so far.

2009-05-17T23:26:00.002-04:00

Hey guys,
thanks for the well wishes for my friend. He just had surgery & they had to remove his meniscus as it was bent backwards. I'll let you google that. (: He has a long road ahead of physio etc...but all things considered he's doing pretty well.
Most of our frineds got married in their mid to late twenties, babies started at about 27. Now here we are 10 years later, and it's starting all over again. The guys are such late bloomers, i love it. Jon is eloping with his gf to Europe, Stu & his gf just moved in together, Anna just had her first baby, Carl & his wife are expecting their first. And these are not the divorced set! It's so fun to be part of all this stuff again.
It's a long weekend here. So glorious. Gardening, spring cleaning, gym time, fireworks, family visits, beers, fairs. I love Spring.
I have two photography classes a week now, 3 hours each after work. Ugh city. I'll try to post some stuff soon.
Toodles.

No I will never ever lose affection, for people and things that went before

2009-05-03T00:11:00.004-04:00

One of our best friends was in a car accident a few days ago. Oncoming car swerved into his lane on a highway & smashed into his vehicle head-on. He has a head injury, facial lacerations, is on a respirator, and both legs are crushed. Thankfully though, the head injury doesn't appear severe and he is coherent and responsive.
We've been friends since high school. He was the best man at our wedding and my husband was the best man at his. Our little girl was their flower girl.They have three small children and own a restaurant where he works 60 hour weeks. This is a brutal hardship for them.
Our friends are amazing and six of us travelled up to see him this morning. He smiled and talked a bit. I really, really love my friends. Life is made so much more joyful, (or some days bearable) because of them. I must make time to say yes more often. Life is fleeting.

They try and copy my swagger

2009-04-27T19:44:00.004-04:00

Whilst at the drugstore, I inadvertently sprayed myself with men's cologne and am totally turned on.

Took the fam to see disney's earth. Beautiful images. There is some footage of a shark that is hard core.

Thinking of registering and starting up a photography business. Any good name ideas?

Music, sweet music, I wish I could caress

2009-04-18T22:53:00.004-04:00

A few tidbits of info:
I went on Bupropion/Zyban/Wellbutrin to help me with quitting smoking a few months ago. It made me absolutely crazy & suicidal. On the "upside" I didn't feel like smoking...or eating. I gave it two weeks and then could not take it anymore. Just a little warning for anyone who may try this stuff to watch out for the suicidal "side-effect". I did some research & it's actually fairly common. An anti-depressant that creates suicidal thoughts. Awesome. I do suffer from mild to moderate depression at times but I honestly had CRAZY thoughts that were directly a result of this stuff. Just thought I'd put it out there. Oh, and I haven't had a cigarette in 42 days!

My little sister was just diagnosed with Celiac Disease. Almost asymptomatic until the last few months when she started to get very atypical symptoms. Mostly she started to swell after eating wheat and started to have some digestive problems, and a skin rash. She went to see a very astute doctor who thought it was a good idea for her to get tested. They did a biopsy of her small intestine and was positive for CD. Apparently many people who have Celiac are unaware and are not diagnosed for years. Permanent damage can occur due to malnutrition. We are all going to get tested now. Being gluten-free seems to be trendy now and is so annoying but I'm getting the idea that gluten=bad for many people.

So there you have it, my health tips for the year. Take care of yourselves!

2009-04-08T14:13:00.002-04:00

I want to have sex, like, ALL the time lately. It's a bit ridiculous.

2009-04-06T14:28:00.002-04:00

It's a mother fucking blizzard here. I love Mother Nature.
Gotta get my groove back.

2009-04-03T22:52:00.002-04:00

Hi guys, I'm alive. Thanks for your e-mails. Things haven't been going so well for me. Just in a really bad space. Gotta clear some stuff up and hope to post now & again. Cheers.

2009-03-17T17:32:00.004-04:00

I went to see Watchmen the other night. Coolest 15 minute opening ever.

The silicon chip inside her head gets switched to overload.

2009-03-05T21:45:00.003-05:00

Howdy folks!

I thought maybe i should post before hitting the one month mark. I think maybe I'm going through a bit of a mid-life crisis. My husband and I both at the same time. It rocks.
My best friend had her first baby on Monday. Emma Grace. Sooo happy for her. Part of me would love another baby. And then the other part of me (the rational part), doesn't.
Spring is starting to have sprung here. I know it's just a teaser but man, it smells good.
I've seen some good movies lately (Button, Slumdog) and some shitty ones (Revolutionary Road, Push).
Resumed my gym workouts. That is a trip all on it's own. I think I could write a book on those characters alone.
I have two major assignments due, a speech to a crowded room, a job interview next week, and no motivation. Could be worse. I'm not complaining. I just don't fully enjoy stress.
On the upside, I made a mean pork tenderloin with whisky sauce and some yam fries tonight for my little bro and his girlfriend. It kinda rocked.
Hope it's all good in your world. Mine's a'ight. Not fully fantastic but it's not totally terrible either. It's life. Big ups and big downs for me. But it's mine. ♥

And then she turns and slips her high heels on

2009-02-07T21:03:00.008-05:00

This is lame I know but here's my 25 lame-o things from facebook.

1. I love a good book. I will get so immersed in the character that I go through the gamut of his/her emotions. It can be mentally exhausting.
2. I always cheer for the underdog. It’s not even a choice, more of a strong gravitational pull.
3. I absolutely love spending time with my parents, brother, and sisters. They know me and I know them. I am lucky.
4. I am distracted by the sky, trees, and the beauty around me. Lately I am fascinated by icicles. Deep I know.
5. I miss my Grandma immensely. She has Alzheimer’s and all traces of her are gone. She did everything beautifully and I felt very loved by her.
6. I’m impatient and sometimes it takes all my willpower not to wrestle things away from people and do it myself.
7. I have to fully unpack & “set up” wherever I go before doing anything else. Hotel room, camp site, cottage, wherever.
8. I am an obsessive planner of trips, events, etc... I am also a consummate list writer. Not a “fly by the seat of my pants” kind-of gal.
9. I truly love my friends. Including the ones I don’t talk to much anymore.
10. I am just learning, yet finding it hard to accept the fact, that everything has a beginning and an end.
11. I decorate the house & celebrate fully every occasion: Valentine’s Day, birthdays, St. Pat’s. I think every occasion is a cause for celebration. Moments should be marked.
12. Lately, I am somewhat mesmerized by the fact that each person on earth right now, or anyone who will be here or over-lap with the duration of one’s life, is so connected in that we’re sharing such an infinitesimally small slice of time on this planet. Not sure what to do with that thought yet.
13. I tear up very easily…beautiful singing, newborn babies. It’s honestly uncontrollable and this show of emotion embarrasses me.
14. I get bored by cleaning, yet feel unsettled by a disorganized house. It’s a conundrum.
15. I was a somewhat religious kid and prayed a lot when things were rough. I’m no longer a believer for the most part and sometimes I miss it.
16. Uptight fuss-budget judgmental people drive me crazy. Get dirrrrty! (Yes, I’m aware that was a judgment, another conundrum).
17. I have really learned that unless you have actually experienced something yourself or spoken at length to someone who has, you should never ever pass judgment on people’s actions. Unless you’ve walked a mile in her shoes….
18. When I take photos of my loved ones, looking at them later makes me sad because that moment has passed. Sometimes even while taking the picture I am already mourning the loss of the moment. I love taking photos of old things, buildings, cemeteries, trees.
19. I am absolutely terrified at the passage of time and getting old. I am ashamed I can’t be more philosophical about it. I know life is a journey in every sense of the word. I just wish I didn’t have to be old at the end of it.
20. I love cheese. I’m lactose-intolerant. How much did you just NEED to know that?
21. I briefly fall in love with anyone-boy or girl-who does something beautifully, singing, playing an instrument, dancing. The dedication and passion they have for their talent is intoxicating.
22. I love water: rain, swimming, showering. It makes me feel alive.
23. I feel nervous when my personal space is invaded, unless I’m drunk & then I’ll happily invade yours.
24. Every night, I promise myself to be a better parent and a better partner. Every night I go over the day & wish I had done things better. 25. I love to learn & am infinitely curious, and sometimes annoyingly enthusiastic.
26. I can’t believe I’m putting this on facebook but I was tagged a couple of times and am incapable of not responding. ♥

I knew someone would write this eventually.

Searching for my lost shaker of salt

2009-01-14T20:58:00.003-05:00

Everyday I feel like writing about the interesting things I heard and did.
I also feel like whining about the cold. And showing my photos of the mountains of snow we got here.
But every night the feeling is different. I just want to snuggle into my cosy little nest. Play with the kids. Do homework. Read a book.
I have made some resolutions of sorts. Really just to live my life more healthfully. I'm eating better. This means a shit load more time suck. The planning and execution of 3 square meals a day times five people takes some serious logistical and tactical maneuvering. Then there is the exercise bit. Then there is the keeping my brain active part. Then there is the tending to the relationships parts. Keep the home fires burning and all that stuff. So what goes by the wayside? Blogville.
I think about you guys. I wanna share my stuff with you. But at the end of the day, time has tick tocked right out. I'm also trying to get more sleeps. On account on the evilness that ensues when I get too little.
So there you have it. An explanation of my errant ways.
Keep warm.

What I've been doing

2009-01-06T00:00:00.002-05:00

Playing Webkinz games to collect extra kinzcash for my kids. Yeah, that's why.

Reading Twilight and immersed in adolescent fantasies.

Contemplating exercise.

Gearing up to make transition from 1 smoke a day to zero. Much harder than I imagined. Now I want, like, 5.

Mourning the end of Christmas break.

Tending to my very sick little boy who has been feverish, not eating, and coughing for a week. Doctor tomorrow.

Planning some more winter escapes.

Worrying about my sister who's jet-lag depression has lasted too long.

Cursing the deep bitter cold of January.

Watching movies. Benjamin Button, Bedtime Stories, Edward Scissorhands (with the kids for the first time and then feeling really bad because Ben cried when Vincent gave Edward his new hands for Christmas and then died).

Shopping for a multitude of birthday party gifts for kids who were inconsiderate enough to be born the first week of January.

Answering Daisy's very specific questions about sex. Hard to talk to your 9 year old about this when she still believes in Santa. Harder still when she cringes and makes horrified faces when I clumsily attempt to explain. Curses on those twins in her class who started this discussion with her.

Feeling a bit guilty about all the things I should be doing.

Feeling excited about the things I hope to do this year.

Happy 2009!

2009-01-02T13:44:00.001-05:00

and i have no resolutions for self-assigned penance for problems with easy solutions

2008-12-31T12:32:00.000-05:00

Christmas was awesome. The best part was the two days we spent at my parents. My mom, dad, sis, bro-in-law, 2 nephews, bro, bro's girlfriend, bro & girlfriend's dog, other sis, and the 5 of us. There were a few adventures. My nephew pressed a pillow against the gas fireplace until it burned and the acrid smell of foam filled the air. Then he broke the head off a jade statue. Then Velvet (dog) ran out of the house across the street to chase a dog and cars had to slam on their brakes. Then my other nephew had to be rushed to the clinic with a double ear infection, pink eye, and vomiting. Then my sister took Daisy out to the mall when she wasn't feeling well. A pizza, fries, OJ (the juice not the football player), and subway ride after, she threw up on the bus on the way home. Despite all this, it was a remarkably relaxing time. We played games, drank, talked, debated. I love my family. None of us wanted to go home.

Tonight, for the first time in over 20 years, I am staying in for New Years. The kids and I spent many hours today purchasing our supplies. We have movies, ice cream sundae fixins, taco stylins, Thai menu (for me and the mister), party hats, horns, confetti, New Year's crackers (the little paper thingies with the plastic junk inside, not the ignorant white peoples), and we're pulling out our sleeping bags and having a sleepover in the rec room. It's snowing gently outside and oh so cosy in here.

Happy New Year's Eve.

Have yourself a merry little

2008-12-24T13:08:00.006-05:00

How much I get into the Christmas spirit has become somewhat weather dependant the past few years. I grew up in Northern Ontario where the ground is white from October to May. Every Christmas was a white Christmas. It's been snowing here for the past month and the ground is white. Today it is well above zero and raining. The snowmen are melting. Daisy asked "it's going to be snowing tomorrow when we open our gifts right?" Oh how we subscribe to the snowy Christmases we see on tv. We all need to be in a shaky snow globe. There are a few little odd pressies left to wrap. Showers to be taken, pretty clothes to be slipped into. We will emerge fresh and sparkly in a few hours. Laden down with bags of gifts to be carted to the in-laws where we will indulge in our traditional Christmas Eve feast. Chinese food. Yup, my straight up from Germany in-laws always have Chinese food on this particular eve. I for one am thankful for it because it means two turkey dinners instead of three. Don't misunderstand, turkey & trimmings are the shiznazz but two s'enough. Tomorrow we will load down our truck with more gifts and our over-night bags & head to Toronto to spend it with my wacky family. There will be many drinks consumed. They're Irish you see.

I had a fruitful season in Outreach. Many parents knocked on my door. The community was especially generous this year and I was able to be generous in return. It broke my heart, and then warmed my heart, it really did. Many blessings.

I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus.

Peace out.

Pretty paper, pretty ribbons of blue

2008-12-22T13:00:00.000-05:00

I really do love Christmas. They have always been happy.

During the holidays our grandparents would come down and sleep over for a few days. My grandpa would bring each of us a big bag of candy with some money stuffed inside. The amount was graduated to coincide with age. Since I was the oldest I always got the most. I loved seeing that $20.00 showing in between the licorice all-sorts and toffees. My parents didn't buy us toys throughout the year so anything we got at Christmas was a big deal.

I can see how Christmas could strongly bring back not so happy memories for anyone who has them. For the most part, the sights, sounds, and smells of Christmas remain the same.

I like small quiet shops. I ducked into a paper store the other day to search for the perfect card. As I walked along the creaky hardwood and admired the beautiful wrapping paper and pretty bows, I missed my grandma so much it was physically painful. She wrapped things so beautifully in gilded wrap that even if a hunk of coal were inside that box it would seem special. Every day was a celebration of beauty for her. She has lost her memories but the ones I have of her are painfully tangible.

Today I walked past a row of chocolates in the grocery store. The St. Anne's maraschino cherries caught my eye. I paused for a quarter or a second and my arm thought of moving towards them. In years previous, I would have bought these for my grandpa. These old-fashioned candies that no-one under 70 seems to like. I love them.

I miss you both so much. Thank-you for making my Christmases so sweet.

Time to be superficial

2008-12-16T20:37:00.003-05:00

For the love of god, who would sleep with this man-child? He annoys me every time I look at him. I'm all for being a freak, but man, please shut up. And stop wearing baby hoodies.

In other news, this totally sucks. Don't ever allow a large group of drunk people to throw your even more drunk ass into the air ok?

All I want for Christmas

2008-12-13T15:01:00.003-05:00

Loving Dexter these days. I have two more eps of Season 3 to watch. I have to fast-forward through the intro though. It makes me queasy.

Kids all passed their swimming level today. Although I had to lobby for one of them. Jack has taken level 2 twice and at feedback the instructor said he was doing great. Based on our observations, it seemed like it was all no sweat for him. Final lesson and report card today. All skills were ticked off except one said needs improvement. He could only swim 9 out of 10 metres. WTF? Soooo...I did what any good mom would do...I lied to him, and then pleaded my case to the person on duty. The head cheese called me at home a couple of hours later to say that yes, indeed he should have passed and they'd correct it. I'm not a pain in the ass mom but c'mon. If someone had told him to swim the extra metre I'm sure he would have. Plus his brother is already one level ahead. Perils of having twins. Some finessing of egos is involved.

Christmas party 2nite. I'd rather listen to a record of nails on a chalkboard than go. The kids are excited though. Daisy has a new dress she wants to debut.

I am off to shower. A long, hot, luxurious Saturday shower. The best.

Walked outside into the rain

2008-12-07T13:40:00.005-05:00

I'm not dead. Just decembered.
Shopping, socializing, entertaining, decorating, working, running, playing. Kid-wrangling. It's minus 30C here with the wind chill factor. My little ~~devils~~ angels do not do well when housebound. So we've been baking and cooking and crafting. All activities that that have a steep learning curve (for me).
I'm pretty sure most of you are in the same Christmas boat.
Time to leave for a birthday party and a dance recital. Gah!

Oh and my thoughts on SNL (since you asked so nicely): Andy Samberg looks like he's having a seizure with that face, the tune is disturbingly catchy and John Malkovich is just creepy.

The snow is falling gently

2008-11-30T21:03:00.007-05:00

Had a very busy fun-filled weekend celebrating Daisy's birthday. As I look outside at the blustering snowstorm I am warm. I am thankful for my friends and family. I love and am loved. For that I am truly blessed.

2008-11-27T20:59:00.004-05:00

Will it fill our hearts with thoughts of endless night time sky?

2008-11-26T21:40:00.015-05:00

K, I just got back from the teenage vamp movie, Twilight. And yes, the theatre was mostly composed of teenage girls who twittered and swooned when Edward Cullen came on screen. At first, I thought he looked ridic with his painted eyebrows and red lipstick. But he grew on me. My friends and I were a bit concerned whether it was ok we all found a 17 year old sexy. I googled him when i got home & it's all ok. He's 22 in real life. Ahem.
Girls love vampires. What's not to love? Blood-thirsty neck sucking aside...They're beautiful, smart, sophisticated, strong and ageless. They're well read and well-mannered and if they can keep from biting you and sucking you lifeless, they'd make fantastic boyfriends. They're always inexplicably wealthy, almost always classical pianists, they're gentlemen, and they look super in a suit.
Of course, due to our ~~advanced age~~ wordly ways, we did question a few small issues such as:
Just how cold are you and is this preternatural cold everywhere on your body?
Will I ever have to witness you sucking the blood from an animal? (this is how modern day vamp stories get over the pesky little issue of manslaughter)
Why does your skin glitter like diamonds in the sun? (This part made me giggle. It wasn't supposed to.)
And as if it's even possible to stay with the same romantic partner for FIVE HUNDRED years?!!

Call me a hopeless romantic.

Oh, to be 17 again and believe an immortal vampire could be my boyfriend (with no sex, cha right!) and we'd live happily.ever.after.
Bring on the sequel.

Disclaimer: I cannot recommend this film to anyone who is not intrigued by vampires and/or over the age of 23.

Baby it's cold outside

2008-11-25T22:44:00.010-05:00

I wish it was Wednesday.

Everybody's working for the weekend

2008-11-23T20:28:00.006-05:00

I shall bombard you with vacation photos for awhile because I am losing my mind with busyness. It's Daisy's birthday this weekend which means 6 little girls at our place for her party and then 20 others the next day for the family party. Why do I do this?!!!
I go back to work tomorrow for the first time since the 10th. Ughity.

The boys at the hotel inspecting their boot-tay from Disney.

Meeting Buzz was a highlight. They were so shy but loved it!

$18.00 balloons they asked for. Took a photo of someone else's instead.

Hallelejuh!

I walked with you once upon a dream

2008-11-21T12:53:00.006-05:00

Hola!
We had a splendiferous time.
This was our first family trip on a plane. It was apparent we aren't veteran travellers when Ben mistook the steward for the pilot and rather alarmingly asked when he saw him come to serve our drinks, "Um, mommy, who is the driver of the plane right now?"
Was sort-of avoiding the whole Disney thing due to my grinchy feelings about large corporations and the false messages Disney inflicts (wicked step-moms, Prince Charming, etcetera). But...I'm a hypocrite so off we merrily went. My parents rented a place in Florida for a month so doing it cheaply(-ish) was too tempting.
We only went The Magic Kingdom (out of the 4 parks there) and we split it up into two half days. Best decision evah. The temps during the Disney time (our first 4 days) were in the high 80's and my wee ones are just too ~~whiny~~ delicate to handle this cheerfully for any length of time. So mid-afternoon it was pool time/delicious fruity alcoholic beverage time.
We had an amazing time at the park and I had just as much fun as the kids. I clearly remember going on Pirates and Splash Mountain when I was a kid. I also finally fulfilled my 8 year-old dream of going on Haunted Mansion that my dad denied me due to the scariness factor. Harumph. I guess I can see his point though as Ben had trouble sleeping that night and kept asking why the lady's head was floating and where was her body?
We came home to 2 feet of snow. It's actually beautiful and I love it. But yeah, ask me again in a couple of months (days).
Going on vacation was totally relaxing. Brought into clarity even more so the sort-of stupid way we are running our lives. Always racing around, planning the next event, working our butts off. I am a high-stress girl and not feeling that way was so very, very freeing.
I feel beyond lucky and extremely thankful that we were able to do this as a family. First time for the kids on a plane, first time to the ocean for the kids, and ~~only~~ first time at Disney for them all in one trip?
It was a great, great time. One that will not soon be repeated as we're dead broke. (:

Daisy on Cinderella's Golden Carousel

Snow White's Scary Adventure where Jack practically cut off the circulation in my hand
every time the witch popped up.

The Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh. The boys thought they were waay to cool for it but were grinning the whole time.

Cinderella and Prince Charming. (gag me with a spoon)

Pluto doing his King of the World impression.

Just before we walked out of the park we let them all get WHATEVER they wanted for a treat. They thought they'd died and gone to Disney heaven because I am the sugar police. Daisy lobbied for it by arguing "Mommy, this is where dreams come true". Touché smart girl.

Damn Procrastination

2008-11-11T13:55:00.006-05:00

I think I'm maybe kind-of, a little bit, nervous to fly.

ok, bye!!! This time for realsies.

I flit, I float, I fleetly flee, I fly

2008-11-07T21:12:00.007-05:00

I had a little tiny operation yesterday. No biggie. It was all over in half an hour. So I came home around 4pm, had a little dinner, took a prescribed painkiller, put the kids to bed. Around 9pm I started to get cold. Very, very cold. I was in bed underneath four big blankets and my teeth were chattering. My fever was 103. This continued for about two hours at which time I started to feel hot. Very, very hot. Like I was on fire, burning from the inside. I then spent the next two hours throwing up. The single most uncomfortable, painful, frightening night of my life.

And today? Right as rain. This is how my body reacts to things it doesn't like. I assume it was a reaction to the anesthetic. I really must find out which one it was because it was so not pretty last night and i do not ever want to repeat that ever.again.

Tomorrow we're off to a wedding. Wednesday we're off to Florida. Wheeeee. Needless to say, going a little mental with preparations over here. More mental than usual that is.

I bid you all adieu.

There's a light on a hill

2008-11-05T21:21:00.008-05:00

And this is how it goes.... the meme rules...
1. Link to the person that tagged you. That would be handsome Vinny.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself .
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

1. Like Vinny, I love to sing. I especially love to rock out in the car. I kind-of do care a tiny bit that someone might see me but sometimes there is no resistance to be found. I mean, who cannot totally rock out to Total Eclipse of the heart? I dare you to even try not to.
2. It really irks me more than a modicum than it should when girls over 12 smile with their tongue behind/in between their teeth. I'm talking to you Jessica Simpson and Katie Holmes.
3. I always root for the underdog. Archie over Reggie. Richie over Fonz. Betty over Veronica. Coyote over the Roadrunner. Sylvester over Tweety. It's the Irish in me.
4. I cry easily. And not at things I should cry at. Sometimes I can't read a newspaper article aloud to someone without choking up. My co-worker tells me a story about when her kid stopped believing in Santa Claus? I cry. Someone sings pretty? I cry. I read a sweet bedtime story to my kids? Are you crying Mommy? It's my own special form of mental illness.
5. I am a chicken. A total big fat scaredy cat. I always have been. Used to make my sister sit in the bathroom and talk to me while I showered after watching Psycho (in my defence i was about ten). I slept with the covers around my neck for years after watching Dracula. If I come home late at night and it's dark, sometimes I run to the door before the zombies lurking in the bushes get me.
6. When I unload my groceries from the cart to put them on the conveyor belt to be scanned, I have to do it in groups. Frozen, Refrigerated, Fresh, and Non-perishables. Anal much? Ok, don't answer that.

I really can't tag 6 people because I'm incredibly lazy. Oops. That's 7 things. I'm also not good at following rules. There's 8.

Barack Obama. Wow eh?!!!!

So live your life

2008-11-01T22:19:00.014-04:00

We were off to a bit of a rough start last night. Girl child threw a devil fit after three houses because her brothers couldn't keep up. Sheesh. My mom offered to go ahead with her and I was all over that. Then Twin B (Ben) fell whilst running full tilt in a too long sheet because the eye holes had migrated to around his neck. After picking up candy and drying tears and blowing nose, I insisted he come home to change. Refusal. So the night was spent with him asking me after every house if anyone had put candy in his bag. Because.he.couldn't.see.it!!! I held his sheet like a train while he stumbled blindly over bushes and shrubs. He did see enough to compliment homeowners on any decorations he found way cool. Such a nice kid.
We had their little three-year old cousin with us who announced what kind of candy she got after each house. Then ~~crazy hyper pants~~ their other 3 year old cousin met up with us. He would unwrap each piece of candy on the porch or lawn and eat it right there. Let's just say his mom (my sister) and I have very different, um, views on discipline. He is Philip the Hyper Hypo. It was a warm and beautiful night with more trick-or-treaters than usual. The boys kept saying, "THIS IS OUR BEST HALLOWEEN EVER!!!"
What an awesome weekend so far. We went for lunch with my parents-in-law, sister-in-law and niece. Then Jack and I drove in the country to take photos. Daisy is sleeping over at her cousins. I just put the boys to bed at 10 (getting them adjusted to daylight savings right away due to my overwhelming sleep-in desire) and ran out to the store where I saw a cool decorated house we missed. I came home and got them in their coats and we drove over to see it. They LOVED the adventure of going out late, in the dark, just the three of us.
This was after a looong post-bed discussion again about death and dying and spirits and souls. Ben told me never wants to die and never wants me to die. These conversations are soo hard. I try to be vague but he thinks about it a lot. I think because his grandma has cancer and he's heard us talk. I can hardly bear to think of it. Just the thought of anyone I love dying horrifies me, it's hard to talk about without crying. I said all the proper things, circle of life and all that and managed not to tear up.
I'm a pretty philosophical person at my best. I have a healthy view of death, intelectually and theoretically anyway. Everything has it's time. BUT just the thought that they'll be grown up one day and I'll be old, and then dead, and then they'll be old... It's really too much to bear thinking about. Sorry, it's nights like this when my heart is literally bursting with love that are the hardest when they're over.

I absolutely LOVE that the clocks go back one hour tonight!!!! Small things.

.

Trial costume changes days before:

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T15:07:00.002-04:00

All the old paintings on the tombs They do the sand dance don't you know

2008-10-30T21:29:00.000-04:00

My 6 year old brought home a book from the school library about mummies. Real mummies. Like The Iceman. Complete with full glossy photos.

The storytime questions sorta went like this:

"MOMMY, WHAT IF WE WERE WALKING ON THE MOUNTAIN AND WE SAW THAT MUMMY AND IT TURNED IT'S HEAD AND BLINKED AT US?"

Um, that would be scary. And we'd run.

"MOMMY IS THAT A BABY? WHY DID IT DIE? HOW DID IT DIE?" (yes, it actually had a photo of a mummified baby found in China)

Well, um, old age?

"DO WE ALL BECOME SKELETONS AFTER WE DIE AND HOW DO I BECOME A MUMMY?"

The all-caps really does not do the shrieking justice. It was times three with all of them clustered around me half-scared witless, half jumping out of their skin with curiosity.
Now they are all sleeping (not sleeping) in our bed.

Thanks school library! Thanks a bunch. Maybe next time maybe you could suggest the book on blood-sucking vampires or perhaps the ever popular "The monsters that live in your closet?"

Now I'm watching "I am Legend" and it's making me nerrrrrrrvous.

Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings

2008-10-28T21:44:00.001-04:00

The amazingly talented and gracious Tammie Lee from Spirithelpers sent me one of her greeting cards. Her photography is truly amazing and takes my breath away with it's beauty. Her images are pure and unpretentious and non(or is it un?)-photoshopped. Her latest post shows where she lives. A place of absolute beauty. I am convinced Montana is one of the most gorgeous places in the world.

It is so bitterly cold out right now. Teeny little flakes of snow are flying about. On a high note, I bought the cutest snugly black toque today and I'm sort-of excited to wear it. Static hair be damned.

I'm sooo excited, and I just can't hide it.

2008-10-24T12:51:00.006-04:00

It's Friday!!

I'm taking the kids to a Halloween party tonight.

Then I'm going to get my hair did.

Dr. Dre is out of town on bizniss so I will treat myself to a movie he'd hate.

Tomorrow I'm taking the kids to a rock and gem show becuause we're all nerds and love rocks.

Our new pool liner is in and even though it cost a gazillion dollars that we don't have, I like to look at it.

We're taking the kids to DISNEY WORLD in November! Our dollar is like the Turkish lira again compared to the US buck but no matter. The price of gas is down so it kinda evens out ya know?

It's my day off.

I'm all alone in the house.

I'm watching Y & R for the first time in 4 years.

I won two tickets for a hot air balloon ride!

This is pretty much how it looks outside right now. Moooody.

The heart is a bloom

2008-10-20T22:09:00.002-04:00

Had two distinct experiences today. In the afternoon, I went to a seminar called "Empowering Neighbourhoods". Very inspiring. In a nutshell, it was about focusing on our neighbourhood's strengths and drawing upon them to improve the sense of community. How to get funding for projects, how to make things inclusive and diverse, power to the people and all those other positive messages. Pretty much heard it before but it was packaged a bit differently with some more tangible info. Started the wheels turning about space for community gardens, after-school programs...it just takes one person to get the proverbial ball rolling yo. Grassroots. Since the economy is busted up, things are getting rougher, people out of jobs, parents can't afford recreation activities for their kids. We need to work together and give each other a hand up.

Tonight I went to see three independent short films about the drug trade in Iraq & Afghanistan. Brothers of Kabul (two young twenty something brothers addicted to opium, living in burned out buildings on the street of Kabul), Gol Pary (a 12 year old Afghan girl addicted to heroin), and Hidden in Dust (drug addicted homeless women in Iran). It was a real pick-me-up.

Exposing myself to these things helps me to keep things in perspective. I do it purely for selfish reasons I guess. I'm curious, I like to learn. I feel strongly about not commenting on things I know nothing about and I like to give my ~~four~~ two cents, therefore I learn. I always want to be a better person, and most importantly, parent. So I'm on a learning quest. It's what I like to do, and what I know how to do. Knowledge and reflection helps me to search for truths. To figure out where I want my life to go from here.

There are many thoughts and emotions I've had today, most of which aren't worth sharing. I guess the central message I got is this: people need connection. Be kind, be helpful, smile, have fun, protect and cherish your children and loved ones, be accepting and don't judge. Always carry hope, because human beings are actually pretty amazing sometimes. Maybe even a lot of the time.

Hey little sister who's your superman

2008-10-19T21:39:00.004-04:00

My friend is getting married in a few weeks. We engaged in some pre-festivities on Saturday. I love my girls.

Everytime I wanna, get down

2008-10-14T22:07:00.009-04:00

Just got back from seeing Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz, and Scarlett Johansson. Very, very hot.
Driving home I turned right and was met by a pair of head-lights baring down on me. It was a one-way. I was not driving that way. My mind was wandering. Oops.

Turkey with the girls, turkey with the boys, my favourite kind of pants are corduroys

2008-10-13T21:54:00.005-04:00

Thanks for the comments on the photos. They are not from class. My course is actually driving me slightly mental. F stops and shutter speeds and focal length...It's making my head explode. When I do assignments that are worth posting I'll put them up. So far, zilch.

Prettiest day ever here. 27 degrees, sunny, and full of colours.
Happy Thanksgiving Canadian folks.

2008-10-11T00:20:00.002-04:00

And the trees are stripped bare of all they wear

2008-10-09T22:09:00.006-04:00

Jason was a happy-go-lucky guy. We met in high school and have been fast friends since. He always wanted a whole bunch of kids to play guitar to. He met Michelle, cute and bubbly. She shared his dream. They bought a mini-van before she was even pregnant. One year later, their bouncing baby boy, John, arrived. Then Michelle got post-partum, and it was terrible. It stole her away for almost a year. She came through and they decided to have another. One year later, gorgeous baby Mikela was born. I held her in my arms, drank in her sweet baby smell, caressed her little fingers. Michelle told me she woke up one morning in October, just before Thanksgiving, a bright and sunny day and thought "I am happy."

The next day, Mikela turned three and she asked her daddy to carry her downstairs to watch cartoons. Michelle just had a deep feeling something was not right. Mikela had been irritable and cranky lately, not her usual sunny self. She remembered how Mikela's eye looked a bit "lazy" in some of the latest photos. They took her to the hospital that day. The doctors listened, reassured them all was fine, over-reacting. Michelle would not let it go. To ease their fears , they ordered a cat-scan. There it was. A big gray mass nestled in the brain. A diffuse pontine glioma. Inoperable.

Mikela started radiation treatment right and started collecting the bravery beads they give to children undergoing treatment. They juiced organic fruits and vegetables for a year. They saw every specialist. They tried every alternative and medical therapy recommended or mentioned. She rebounded. They did not want to check her again because if it was still there., there was nothing they could do. Jason & Michelle felt she suffered enough. She was happy and seemingly healthy and it looked like they got their miracle. She was flourishing, the picture of health, smart as a whip.

They all woke up again another bright and crisp October morning. It was Mikela's fourth birthday and she was having a "Princes and Princesses" party. She started to vomit. They knew immediately. The doctors said 4 months but she got sick very quickly. She started to have trouble walking, she lost most of her hearing, her vision was starting to fade. The horrible mass was growing quickly.

Everyone called and offered the words "If there is anything i can do..." So I went. I just went for the day to do their laundry. I knew I had to make an offering. I had to do something. For myself perhaps. There she was lying in bed. A lovely light-filled room on the main floor they had switched her too. No more organic juices. She was eating Oreo cookies and watching a Disney Princess movie as best she could, volume cranked up. The morphine for the pain was making her sleepy. She asked her mom if they could go to the zoo later.

I went outside to wash her window. I wanted her last view of the world to be clear. She saw me outside washing the window and giggled. Michelle told me later it was the last time she laughed. The day started to get darker. I walked into her room and lay down in bed beside her. I stroked her hair and talked into her good ear. Told her I had to go home to see my own little girl. I said I'd come back tomorrow. She waved good bye. I called the next morning and Jason answered the phone. "She's dying, she hasn't opened her eyes in an hour, and her breathing is shallow".

That was 4 years ago today. I held her in my arms the day after she came into the world and the day before she left it. I felt privileged. People always say children who are dying are brave. She was. It made it harder to see.
Peace my angel.

I try counting sheep but there's one I always miss

2008-10-07T21:38:00.002-04:00

Sore throat city over here. All I want to do is snuggle in under the covers and sleeeeeeep uninterrupted for the night. Alas, this is not to be as various wee ones have developed some nocturnal wanderings as of late. This usually involves a face two inches from mine saying "MOMMY?" in a very loud stage whisper. This is always posed as a question because apparently I am unrecognizable whilst sleeping. At which point I startle, rub my eyes, take a few seconds to figure out where and who I am and attend to the pressing 2am need of my child. This could include, but is not inclusive to: a glass of water, a bathroom escort, a stuffed animal search & rescue, or a debriefing from "Scooby-Doo: Where's My Mummy?" Once they are happily tucked back into bed, I am left owl-eyed for another 45 minutes or so. Sigh. On the super-duper plus side? It's a 3-day weekend coming up. Yay Thanksgiving!

One minute you're waiting for the sky to fall The next you're dazzled by the beauty of it all

2008-10-01T21:17:00.008-04:00

I just got back from a seminar on Addictions. This series is specifically about drug addiction but the same premise for underlying causes holds true for all addictions. An addiction is defined as any behaviour that has negative consequences yet is continually craved and sought after. This includes behaviour addictions such as being a workaholic, over-eating, shopping, excessive computer use...

So there are a few factors involved with addiction including poor impulse and stress regulation, and messed up endorphin and dopamine circuitry. Again, NOT by choice, but circumstance. This doctor argued it is not nature, but nurture.

Infants have no stress regulation control, it can only occur via bonding between infant and caregiver. The most important elevation of endorphins occurs with early interaction of parent and child. If a child has a consistently available and non-stressed caregiver, stress regulation and endorphin levels will be achieved. If an infant or child has a caregiver who is consistently stressed, depressed, or unavailable, this brain circuitry is not developed properly. The good news is that the brain always has plasticity and can learn different patterns. This doctor stressed there is no blame here. No parent decides to be stressed or depressed.

This doctor who spoke, Gabor Mate, works in a clinic in Vancouver's East Side, a place where there is so much heroin use that it has the highest rate of HIV transmission in the world. His point was that we, as a society, need to be more compassionate in our treatment of drug addicts.
As a community, we need to develop a support system so that families and individuals are not so isolated.

We live in a culture of addiction. We are never good enough, talented enough, pretty enough. We often feel empty, hungry and non-sufficient as individuals. We feel like who we are is not enough, to others, to ourselves. Stretch your arms and reach out.

The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt.
~Frederick Buechner

One generation plants the trees; another gets the shade.
~Chinese proverb

What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.
~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

2008-09-29T23:36:00.003-04:00

This is the bee's nest we found in our backyard.

The nights are very cold now and the heat is on. I'm in mourning. Apparently my entire outlook on life revolves around the weather. Starting to annoy myself.

I am sick of hearing about Sarah Palin. Unfortunately, this does not bode well for any future female candidate hopefuls. I actually feel kind-of sorry for her. Yeah, I know. But I do.

I used to think maybe you loved me

2008-09-28T20:59:00.001-04:00

I've been an errant blogeress lately. I've also been pretty happy. Things with le marriage fell into a pretty big dip, followed by a truce, a start again, and some really happy times lately. We all snuggled up on the couch last night and watched Star Wars: Attack of the Clone Wars, cartoon-styles. It ended in a cliff hanger and I actually suggested we rent the other tomorrow.
Also watched the season premiere of Heroes. Somebody please kill Mohinder, Nikki, and Maya already.

I did a 10k walk for charity this morning. Daisy came with me. It was a competive walk so we had to be fast(ish). We both got medals for our time (she was the youngest competitor). We didn't sway our hips and swing our arms like the terminator, no worries. Proceeds went to mental health which to me is a great cause. The premise being that walking is accessible to most people and is often an integral part of therapy to those living with mental illness.

My youngest sis is on the plane to Frankfurt right now and she will arrive in Segovia, Spain later tomorrow. She is gone for 3 months and I will miss my little Binky dearly. My friend is in Manila for work for 3 months. I miss her too.

Our gerbil died. He was a sweet little fella. I don't like keeping animals in captivity and would never have bought one in the first place but Daisy's friend gifted him to her. The kids were heart broken. He is buried with a silk scarf in a shoebox under the treehouse outside. R.I.P little man.

So there is the Eve update. My feet kind-of hurt. I'm looking forward to putting them up and watching either DH or Brothers & Sisters, whichever is the least annoying of the two.

Yall don’t understand , make me throw my hands In the ayer, ay, ayer, ayer, ay, ayer

2008-09-24T18:51:00.006-04:00

"MOMMY! GET THE BATHROOM READY!", he yells while running around in a tight circle. I assume this to mean make sure the toilet seat is down and the light is on but I have not clarified. Perhaps what he actually has in mind are candles, jazz, and a Tom Collins.
I am grateful however that I no longer am greeted by his butt in the air while he touches his toes and waits for a wipe. This is one part of toddlerhood I was not in the least sentimental to say goodbye to.

I love you my sweet boy.

While barred clouds bloom the soft-dying day, And touch the stubble plains with rosy hue

2008-09-22T23:34:00.008-04:00

I've realized lately that as a species we take a long time to make changes. The more we say something out loud, the more it starts to fit into our mind-set. We are rather lemming-like in our motivation to take similar action after someone else in the social circle has done so. Peer pressure does not go away in high school. Not that it's always a bad thing. It could be looked at as motivation I suppose. Separation and divorce appear de rigueur with my set right now. Ok, well, maybe "de rigueur" is over-stating it as I just chrome googled it and it means "necessary according to etiquette". I don't think my friends are necessarily splitting their assets asunder just to follow suit and be polite. Nevertheless (love that word), it appears contagious.
The couples who make you cringe long before their I do's are spoken are the ones whose chronic coupledom endures to make us tense at every dinner party. The other non-fighting lovey doves throw a curve seemingly out of the blue to announce their splitdom.
One of my sweetest, kindest friends has just been told by his wife that it is over. They haven't told their three kids, ages 2-6 yet. Sex and money. Too much, not enough,or someone else's.
I always get so so sad when my friends split. It feels like a bucket of water thrown over my head. Why do I worry so over other people's lives? I try to figure out the truths but I wonder if there are any. The end of an era, the loss of friendship from one half, the renewed self-questioning. First marriages, first pregnancies, babies, divorce, death, we've got it all right now. Welcome to my mid-thirties?

Hey, Happy Fall Equinox!

I will kiss you like sunshine Stealing pieces from a perfect sky

2008-09-19T09:55:00.004-04:00

I love this space in between the seasons. Filtered light flickering through the trees as I drive. I concentrate less on the sky and focus on the long shadows. Dry heat of the day, sharp cold of the evening. Gardens still awash with color, leaves starting to turn. Everything high contrast, bathed in crisp light. The air is fresh and sweet. It smells like honey.

The neighbourhood filters out after dinner to enjoy the remaining light. The body and spirit want to pack it all in before hibernation season begins. There is an air of anticipation as if awaiting a party.

The dew drops glisten on the grass until mid morning. Everyone is walking in the morning, hurrying off to school. A father holding his toddler, a grandmother clasping a little hand, back-pack in place. It seems on these mornings that all is right with the world.

Hold on

2008-09-16T21:27:00.007-04:00

Life continues to startle me with it's powerful beauty and ecstatic moments intertwined with intense tragedy and torment. It's random nature still throws me. The knowledge that we cannot prepare terrifies me even more. It's the extremes that get me.

An old friend of mine lost her baby today. Full term beautiful baby girl. Non-eventful pregnancy and easy labour. They were full of joy when they brought their baby home. She sounded elated and proud, said the baby was beautiful and healthy. During the night, she started to have trouble breathing. Brought her to the hospital where they discovered she had numerous holes in her heart. She lived for 4 days. Her name was Hope.

The well-wishes are still filtering in from people who don't know. The nursery is empty. The flowers are still fresh.

I have no words for her.

You're whispering in my ear

2008-09-15T22:25:00.005-04:00

I'm a college student! Had my first class tonight for my photography program and I loved it. Was a bit nervous, couldn't find the building, ran into class breathless, dishevelled, late and cameraless. Yup, that's right, showed up to a photography course with no camera. Hey, I didn't feel like lugging it around for the first night. So I think I may actually purchase a back-pack and a binder and paper and all that fun stuff. Maybe I'll even buy some gel pens!

I also haven't smoked in 15 days. Knock on wood.

Sooo, I'm kind-of happy with myself. Now I shall continue my descent into adolescence and watch another ep of Heroes, Season 2.

(Baby go on and just) Cry me a river-er, yea yea

2008-09-14T10:56:00.006-04:00

I am well aware this is the fugliest template you've ever clapped eyes upon and I WILL fix it soon.
This weekend we had two birthday parties to go to, a cooking class, helped our friends move, a wedding shower today, and a hockey game tonight.

I'll try to help this blog not suck so much in the coming weeks.
♥

You took a white orchid turned it blue

2008-09-10T22:24:00.004-04:00

I am soooo tired. This school stuff is killlling me.

I did not know having children meant having to go through primary school all over again. It is BRUTAL. Should we all go for a walk this evening or should we finish homework? Should I clean up the dishes or read and fill out the 80 million pieces of ~~dead trees~~ paper sent home? hmmmm.

Should NOT have to make this choice. It irks me greatly people. It really does.

P.S With an ironclad fist I wake up and French kiss the morning? Hurtingest lyric ever.

I'll do graffiti if you sing to me in French

2008-09-08T21:11:00.007-04:00

My youngest sister is leaving for three months to Espagnol to teach. She is then going to Paris on her own, then meeting up for a friend to travel Italy (Florence, Venice, Rome). I will miss her muchly and cannot wait to hear about her travels. Due to this impending bon voyage, I was forced against my will to various drinking establishments on the weekend with MB and my other sissy, K. We hopped from a dive bar to an Irish pub to a dance bar where it was funk & disco night to the only place you can end up at the end of a night like dis...karoake.
I did quite enjoy the various bathroom graffiti though and hence I share with you:

The guy who dances crazy just picked up!!! (I totally know who you're talking about!)

For a short time, call Ben. (hmmm, i can appreciate a short time)

An arts degree is worth less than this roll of toilet paper. (alas, methinks this may be true)

You are the author of your own story, write a unique book. (okey dokey)

You're peeing! (are you psychic?)

I love Eric!
I love Erik, you don't even know how to spell his name bitch! (i love erick too)

Breathe In LOVE
Breathe Out LOVE (those girls up there are not subscribing to this)

I ♥ bathrooms! (totally)

Note to self: Next time bring camera (and Sharpie).

Yo ho ho

2008-09-07T08:51:00.001-04:00

Ok, I don't want to brag or anything but...look what I put together! (the little island jobbie on the right, I did not fashion the skull).

As I am not technically inclined or spatially gifted in the least (perhaps challenged may be an appropriate word here), this little guy was pieced together by studying step by step directions and counting Lego dots. Ben was so surprised at my "accomplishment" when he woke up in the morning that he exclaimed, "WOW MOMMY, I'm SOOO proud of you!" I blushed bashfully.
Unforch it came with some DVD that shows scary skeletons dragging pirates down into the water where they all become skeletons. Aaaand, now there are some bedtime issues. Yup, good pick.

When I was just a baby, My Mama told me, "Son, Always be a good boy, Don't ever play with guns,"

2008-09-04T23:02:00.005-04:00

I'm involved in a deep telephone conversation with my brother when I hear a slap, slap, tap, tap coming from downstairs, in the dark. Dre is working late, the kids are all nestled all snug in their beds. I'm pretty sure it's Jason Vorhees coming to get me. Or...it's Nacho, our beloved gerbil trying to make a prison break. This goes on intermittently for half an hour. After said phone convo, I creep downstairs to investigate. The little dude pops his head out of his apartment & decides Just.That.Moment to escape before my very eyes. I of course grab my camera to document it because there is no way I am touching him on account of his tail being too long see...

How cute is he right?!
He proceeds to run a wild rampage through the living room, behind the couch, in the shoes, leaving a trail of poop in his wake. I finally baby whispered him into a paper bag and then gently deposited him in his cage. He promptly climbed on his wheel that goes nowhere and continued his marathon run. How exxxciting is that folks??

By the way, this mascara is bruTAL, never had a worse one in my life, flakes everywhere. Like hungover, haven't washed your face in 24 hours or taken out your contacts flakes. I think it's Cover Girl. Just in case, like me, your head is turned raccoon-like by bright shiny things, consider yourself warned.

We don't need no thought control

2008-09-03T20:39:00.003-04:00

2008-09-02T21:22:00.004-04:00

Please tell me I'm not the only geek to be watching the new 90210 right now. Please?

The main character girl, Annie, is too cute & sweet to be true. I like her.

Rob Estes of the original show has been stuck in a time warp apparently because it's possible he looks younger.

Why is it that the supposed hottie girl is always not very attractive?

I still hate Kelly Taylor. I'm just not over the Dylan episodes.

There is one black character who has been adopted by a white family, presumably to allow for him being the sole black presence on the entire show. Pretty distasteful.

Shannen Doherty? hmmm, i can't say anything kind so i'll just leave it at that.

If i were half as self-assured as a 16 year-old as these kids, i would have been prime minister by now.

These girls are total bone racks, Kelly & Brenda look chubby compared to them.

The most prominent feature on young actors today is their huge gleaming white teeth. I find it rather distracting.

Live blogging 90210 redux? New lows people, new lows.

Peek-a-Boo

2008-09-02T14:03:00.003-04:00

Ok, it wasn't too bad I guess. Jack was shouting hello to all his mates & grinning from ear to ear. Ben was doing his usual looking-at-his-feet, where-am-I dazed act. He even stood facing the wrong way in line. Absent-minded professor. Man, I love that kid. Daisy's friends ran right up to her & she was good to go. Mommy had a little cry after getting in the truck but it was short-lived.

To the left, you will see my nephew after his brother threw wet sand on him because he touched his sand castle. Meanie.

It is soooo hot here. Thanks for showing up now summer you fickle fraulein.

2008-09-01T21:29:00.003-04:00

I am not fully ready for summer to come to a close. Yet, here it is. In the middle of a heatwave. Flowers in full bloom, shorts, t's and sundress weather. I gave my boys an extra tight squeeze tonight as tomorrow they start Grade 1. No more lazy Monday and Friday afternoons for us. I can't think too hard or too long on this for my throat feels tight and my heart feels heavy. I don't like passages or endings. I am excited for them at the same time. Paradoxically, I loved September as a kid. Couldn't wait to see my friends, try out my pencil crayons and show off my new outfits.
Fall is my favourite season and it's been a good summer so no complaining here. Just an observation that life after 35 moves way too quickly.

I'd like to be under the sea, in an octopus' garden in the shade

2008-08-30T01:37:00.008-04:00

We went out to see a movie tonight called Amal which we really enjoyed & basically the moral of the story was "Money doesn't make you happy people!". Seriously , it was good and thought-provoking and all that jazz. Then we went to a seafood place and we got just a few apps; calamari, scallops, coconut shrimp, a Caesar for him and a wolf blass for me. Totally scrumptious. Then we went to my friend's place & they only had vodka with juice boxes for mix so we had a few a those and played a crazy game of trivial in which i was praised for my genius & my girlfriend kept loving me up. Then we came home, did some stuff (ahem) , flipped between Halloween 5 and Apocalypse Now , he fell asleep & here we are folks. Now I'm going out for a smoke (pray Jason doesn't get me, and I swear I'm quitting for good on Labour day). Love you!

Pier Jumping

2008-08-29T23:42:00.000-04:00

David Duchovny, why won't you love me?

2008-08-28T18:39:00.011-04:00

Watched My Blueberry Nights last night. The players were Borah Jones, Natalie Portman who despite her beauty managed to look haggard, Rachel Weisz who was sporting the most irritating curl that ran down the middle of her face and made me just want to slap a hairband on her and Jude Law who was the prettiest of them all. If you value your time even the teensiest bit, skip this boring mcborington snoozlefest. Ugh.

It was our wedding anniversary this week and I woke up in the morning to find a plethora of flowers on the table from Dr. Dre. I was pretty surprised and touched and then I was all, like, OH SHIT on account of my stupid gift and all. I gave him a bottle of Grey Goose in return because I'm romantic that way. However, this gift does double-duty in the gift department because I'll be drinking it too. (nudge nudge wink wink) All the kids are going for a sleep-over at Oma's tomorrow and we're going out to a real-live movie.
Who else out there thinks of nothing else but sex mid-month? Fess up girls. Gives new meaning to the term dirty thirties.

So David Duchovny just admitted himself to rehab for sex addiction. I'm curious how that is cured. I'm guessing he's not addicted to sex with his wife and therein lies the problem? He is a sexy beast that man. So long as he stays in character as Mulder. I've a weakness for dreamy geeks.

Don't get upset Mr. McMurphy

2008-08-27T18:38:00.009-04:00

I gave her a hug and a gentle kiss on the cheek.
"Hi Grandma."
"Hi sweetie. Are we leaving now? Let me just pack my clothes."
"No Gram, I'm here to visit."
"Ok, but then we have to go because I need to make dinner."

And so it went. She moved in to an assisted living facility because she can't remember to take her medicine. The others at the retirement village started to shun her. Like a pack of wolves edging out the sick one before it spreads. If someone leaves the room, she greets them anew when they walk back in 2 minutes later. She asks people to call Bobbie in for supper. That was my dad when he was a little boy.

She was an amazing cook, had a great sense of style, was a wonderful artist, always looked like a million bucks, had the greatest giggle you could ever hear and never missed a birthday. This time last year she was doing the New York Times crossword, played a mean hand of duplicate Bridge and knew all our names.

We had to go through all of her possessions. I found a letter I wrote her when I was 11, birthday cards we sent, funny phrases we uttered as little ones that she wrote down. The sum of a person's memories. Proof of what they loved.
What are we if not a collection of our experiences, our skills and talents? Just our bodies, our shell.

The place she's in is nice, the staff is kind, it's the best we could do. It's still One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest, and you feel like the crazy is contagious. She's apparently the Jack Nicholson character. She won't accept her fate. She tried to climb out the window the day after we left.

The others slowly joined us like 5 year olds on the first day of school. Edging their chairs in a little closer to settle on the periphery of our circular table. Quiet and bashful. Waiting for someone to ask their name. Then they shyly showed me their treasures. Pat was a pretty blonde, Gabriella loved baseball, Joe was an officer with the NYPD. Her name is Elizabeth. Some of them walked around with shoe boxes containing odds and ends. Figurines, photos, notes from grand-children. After looking at them and remarking upon them and handing then back, they forgot they were theirs.

She asked me to please take her with her. "I don't like it here, I don't know anybody". I couldn't cry until I walked out the door, and now.

You need to be philosophical about it all. Keep your chin up and find the positive. The circle of life and blah, blah, blah. But it's still sort-of fucking horrifying. Sorry.

Just dance. Gunna be okay. Da-da-doo-doo (oh yeaah)

2008-08-20T21:11:00.006-04:00

Somehow we ended up with only one out of three offspring tonight. The other two were absconded by relatives for sleep-overs. We were left with the easiest, sweetest one, who shall remain nameless. We took a walk, played at the park, picked flowers, planted a walnut, weeded the garden, went to a greasy spoon for a dinner of breakfast, and got a haircut. The evening ended with a voluntary tooth flossing and brushing, a story, hugs, and an I Love You. Perfect, just perfect.

Life, as it is wont to do from time to time, has been kicking my ass lately. I'm sort-of down for the count at this point. I also have a funeral, a house warming, and a trip to the US of A to attend to. Hence begins a mini bloggus-interruptus.

Until next Wednesday-ish, arrivederci.

Evil Fiend or Benign Yoda?

2008-08-19T22:06:00.004-04:00

This little dude was born with an extra set of ears. Far out man.

I said just an old sweet song, keeps Georgia on my mind

2008-08-18T21:16:00.007-04:00

After I took a Tylenol, some "all-natural" Gravol ginger tablets, B-12 and a Red Bull, I was ready to go this morning.
Lest you think I am an irresponsible child-minder, my friend didn't actually call me to watch her two likkle gals until 11:30 last night. Family emergency.

The day was spent watching the kids (5 of them) outside all day with a little Hannah Montana (ick) break thrown in while I made lunch. All went well.

We are having a wicked thunderstorm right now. I love it. I feel an urge to go outside and take a quick run in it. Perhaps I will.

Searching for my lost shaker of salt

2008-08-17T23:16:00.005-04:00

I'm pretty drunk here. Drank a whole bottle of red wine to meself. Had friends over to play cards and swim and well, drink. I'm babysitting my friends kids tomorrow too. Yippee.

Everyone is dying. Grandmothers, fathers. I had a best friend since we were 8. Shannon. I moved away. Far away. After the second & third child, we lost touch. She doesn't have any. I got a call from the third friend. Derek. Tough times for Shannon. I wrote Shannon a letter. I mentioned her dad in it, how he called me by a pet name, how he brought home Chinese food when he was drunk. She read it to him. He laughed. Said I was a sweet beautiful girl & he'd love to see me again. This was last Friday. He died this Friday, one week later. Very sudden, massive brain bleed. Life is weird. Serendipitous. Shannon said it was made a just little easier by my communication, getting back in touch. I felt good. Who am I now? I don't really know. I really don't.

Everybody's laughing just hanging around

2008-08-15T19:58:00.000-04:00

I took the kids to a carnival tonight where I was reminded of a recent read when greeted by the wizened ticket seller. Water for Elephants explained that when the rousties got too old to set up and tear down, they were put up front to sell tickets. I also silently referred to myself as a rube as I doled out $40.00 for tickets. Seeing the kids so excited about the bouncy castle and their very own cotton candy on a stick made the evening ~~almost~~ worth it.

On a perhaps not completely dissimilar note, does anyone remember that Little House ep where Albert was addicted to morphine and Charles took him to a cabin to de-tox? That image popped unbidden into my mind today. Albert was vomiting profusely and frothing at the mouth. It was downright horrifying. It's a good drug deterrent anyway. Or maybe just a detox deterrent. There was some serious heavy shit that went down on that show come to think of it. I felt guilty for not being as sympathetic toward Mary as I should have been due to her blindness. Maybe that was a factor in my working with the blind later. Hmmmmm. I was jealous of Caroline too and felt very gratified that I'd be a better wife for Charles when she was snippy to him. Michael Landon was probably my first crush, unless you count Barbie.

Why are there so many songs about rainbows

2008-08-14T21:18:00.009-04:00

I can't remember if I mentioned it on this here blog or not, but a few months ago my wallet was stolen from work. That day was especially busy and people were in and out like a fiddler's elbow. After work, I went to get some groceries and found myself at the check-out with six bags of food and no wallet.
When I mulled over the day there was one prime suspect. Everyone else I knew and trusted. This guy came in with his depressed girlfriend and their children for help with various things. He was overly friendly and quick to help when I needed something moved to get them some diapers. This behaviour made me suspicious. People who are in desperate need are rarely so full of energy and smiles. Something to hide.
I made a report to police and they wanted to question the guy and I said no. No proof and the wallet was already gone. I'd rather not bring more despair into this poor woman's life. I was surprisingly chill about the whole thing and went about quietly replacing my ID. Others were mad, I was not.
Tonight, I got a phone call. It was the girlfriend. She found all my ID stuck in the side of a rip in her mattress. Her boyfriend had ripped her off a month ago, went on a coke binge and left her. She didn't even know I was the person whose ID she'd found. We had only met once. She was angry at him and ashamed at herself. I am thankful for her honesty. Anyway, that's the kind of day I had. Many, many stories of misery. Stories I could not, and would not, repeat. I think I need a new profession. Something lighter perhaps.

Your first words have yet to be said But I swear you'll be blessed

2008-08-09T10:30:00.009-04:00

Last night my best friend walked into the kitchen and said "I have something to tell you." She pulled up her shirt to show me her swelling belly. Tears of joy from me and a big hug. First baby at 36 after trying for a couple of years. So, SO happy.

Leaving town for three days.
Have a good weekend.

No time for a freakin' title

2008-08-08T15:26:00.003-04:00

Ack, suddenly two friends over for drinks has turned into 8 for dinner. Plus, it's now cold out so you know what that means? I have to clean my WHOLE house! Not just the route to the bathroom. Ok, so dinner will be delivery pizza, drinks will be beer & wine and the salad, er, I think I have to go buy one even though I have eighteen hundred veggies in the fridge right now. And the shower will now be a ponytail, or even a baseball cap. It's a dire situation over here folks.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

2008-08-07T20:18:00.001-04:00

Daisy and I cleaned up her room last week. Translation: she sat and played with her trinkets while I organized and pleaded with her to ditch stuff. Her contribution was to put things in one of two piles: keep or discard. She picked up a note from the tooth fairy and carefully examined it. I was feeling very proud of my efforts and was totally secure about what pile she'd put it in. And then, her hand reaches out... and she put in... the discard pile! What what?

She then looks up and me and says "Some people think the tooth fairy is just a person you know."

Oh yeah, like what person?

Um, like you or daddy.

Really?

Yup.

What do you think?

I think it's possible.

Hmmm...

Well, is it?

Is it what?

You or daddy?

Do you want to know?

Yes I do.

Are you sure?

YES, tell me Mommy.

OK, you're right, it is me.

Then she burst into tears!!! Oh my god, kill me now. And please, please, please don't ask me aboiut the Easter bunny and Santa because I will lie.my.ass.off. I felt sooooooo bad.

We had a little chat and a cuddle and she was smiling within 5 minues. Whew. I told her it was important NOT to tell other kids, especially younger ones.

That night, my friend & I are sitting out back, the kids are in the pool swimming. Her daughter, Ana, yells "Hey MOMMY, Daisy said the tooth fairy isn't real! Is that true!!?"

Ggrrrrrrrr. Then Daisy says, "Oh Ana, I was just kidding. She is real, I've even see her. She's verrrry pretty, has long blonde hair & is really nice." (Smirks at me out of the corner of her eye).

She knows she's saved.

Here's a note I found a couple of years ago after she hid one of her first teeth. She didn't even tell me about it. Thankfully I discovered it before she went to bed. Hence the note from the tooth fairy, that ended up in the discard pile. le sigh

And you know that she's half crazy But that's why you want to be there

2008-08-05T09:47:00.004-04:00

I work in a portable apart from the main building. Perhaps this is so everyone else doesn't have to look at the people who come here for help. If anyone comes around looking for food, clothes, bus tickets, soap, they send to me. Things are getting worse. There are young guys coming from out East looking for jobs and living in tents. There are people who cannot get to work because they can't fill their gas tank. Some families who were just making it are now a few days short of groceries between pay cheques due to rising food prices. Sometimes people just want to get out of the hot sun, sometimes they just want someone to listen.

I am sitting here in my office today listening to the rain drum on the roof, how cozy and warm I feel, how the sound of the rain is comforting, to me.

I drive on her streets cause she's my companion

2008-08-04T23:08:00.017-04:00

It's 11 pm on the Monday of a long weekend. Double ugh. Spent most of the weekend in the T-Dot with the parentals and the siblings (minus my brother who is usually MIA). Part of the company Saturday night included two elderly Irish Catholic priests who were a total hoot. One guy taught in Africa in the 1950's, they were both very educated, political, highly entertaining guys and I'm glad to have met them. Here is some of our weekend in pictures.
Most beautiful blue sky with fluffy mashed potato clouds on the drive up.

My parents have this little alley connecting the two side yards. My mom set up a bunch of little tables everywhere so it was our own mini bistro. Had the outdoor speakers amped to get our groove on.

We rocked the big bubbles.
Got some scrumptious gellato. Lemon and orange flavour for me. This freaky little duck on the bike entertained the kids after I held them each up to the counter and recited every flavour available twice while they hemmed, and hawed and hawed and hemmed some more. Final picks included oreo cookie and toasted marshmallow. Mommy, puh-leeze!
I made this pottery vase when I was about 6. My budding talent as an artist is evident.
My sister's summer job. Bought some delicious ice wine and a couple of reds. Most convenient for Sunday night blogging.
Did anyone see this and was it any good? I liked James McAvoy in that other movie which I forget the name of.
Convenience store owner's dog. Cute little thing. Didn't even bark or try to rip up our ankles.

On our way out of town we stopped at a place called King Kosher and had the best falafel EVER. Yums. I love the city.
I also finished two books, saw a movie and took the kids to the park for a picnic and a swim today.
Most excellent weekend.

Hot summer streets and the pavements are burning

2008-08-01T10:07:00.006-04:00

Today will be an awesome day. It is August 1st, mid-way through summer, Friday of a long weekend. We're going to Toronto tomorrow for some festivities with the family. ALL of us will be there (14) so it will be a very packed house. I'm not working today so I am going swimming with my sister and our boys when they arrive in a few minutes, then to the library and then off to my daughter's camp for visitor's day.

As an aside, if any of you do live in any of Canada's colder climes, this is construction season. Every street I turn down is blocked for construction which makes navigating the city extra supes dupes fun. Historically, there has always been a very tanned and weathered dude (or the token girl) holding up a stop sign. I have noticed they now have portable traffic lights which frees up this sign holder to stand around smoking and ogling with the other dudes. Progress.

"What are you doing with the gardens entrusted to you?"

2008-07-30T09:44:00.006-04:00

My lovely, kind, bright beautiful daughter is lucky enough to attend horse camp this week. Daisy loves animals. They calm her. She feels confident around them. She absolutely shines when caring for animals. They love her too. The horse she has for this week is named Maggie. The smallest one there to match her tiny size. Daisy is in love with Maggie and it is reciprocated. I have never seen her so animated or her smile beam as brightly as I have when I've picked her up each day this week. She finds it hard to leave. Just this simple pleasure of hers brings tears to my eyes and for some reason makes me feel so…proud.

We are not alike and this can make for a rocky relationship at times.
My daughter is not me. She is not my second chance to do everything I wish I had done and wish I had accomplished in childhood. I am embarrassed to say that this has taken me awhile to figure this out.

I loved school. She does not. I loved to read books. She does not. She loves animals and horses. I do not. She is an artist. I am not.
I see now with such clarity how she looks to me as an example. How much she needs me to approve and accept her as she is. I have struggled with this and I am ashamed. The love has never been in question, the nurturing, and the desire to give her the tools to live a happy life. But still I think I was trying, not consciously, to change her.
I realize now that I am a perfectionist and she is perfect just the way she is.

I'll know someday you'll have a beautiful life I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky

2008-07-29T11:31:00.004-04:00

Can anyone recommend someone or a website that does blog templates? I don't like any of the blogger ones. Although, with my ADD I'm sure any template will drive me nutters after a bit.

My sister just broke up with her fiance. Brave decision with all the pressures they had (have). He's been part of our family for quite awhile and very sad for them but so much for the best. She's only 22.
If you are having a strong inkling before getting married that that person may not be for you, run away, fast.
If you're reading, I love you Binky.

I've been through the desert on a horse with no name

2008-07-28T20:25:00.006-04:00

The always lovely Tootsie Farklepants from Vintage Thirty tagged me with the following meme. She has dubbed it "The Meme With No Name" just because she is brills like that.

What is your favorite quotable line from a Movie?

"My name is Inigo Montoya. You kill my father. Prepare to Die" which is of course from The Princess Bride. Back in the day before Robin Wright married Sean and Mandy Patinkin was skinny. I was so chuffed (yeah, you heard me, chuffed) to see Inigo again in Dead Like Me. Just in case you desire to bust this out, it must be uttered with an impeccable Spanish accent.

Who is the most famous person you have spoken to?

Probably Axl Rose. They played in a small venue where I worked. He invited my friend and I back to his trailer but we declined because well, to a 16 year old, he was creepy.

How many bags/boxes of Potato Chips are consumed at your place in a month?

Ok, we're boring mcboringtons in the junk food department and the answer would be....wait for it....zero. Perhaps a couple a year and they are usually brought by others when we have a par-tee.

Who is your all time favorite Cartoon Character?

Toss up between Pepe Le Pew, that suave skunk, although today he would certainly have been slapped with a sexual harassment suit. Or perhaps the cutiest animal evah, Thumper from Bambi . I also liked Speedy Gonsalves. Apparently I have a thing for accents.

What foreign food dish do you prepare from scratch and serve?

I only make foods native to or invented in Canada so our diet is restricted to the following: bannock, maple syrup, pemmican, poutine, fiddleheads, beer, Montreal smoked meat and Nanaimo bars .

What is your favorite section of the Supermarket?

Produce. I'm a toucher and a feeler.

What was your high school teams mascot and what were the school's colors?

No mascot cuz we're Canadian eh & we usually didn't have mascots in high school.
Colours were burgundy & grey which i got to rock in a short kilt, complete with knee socks and Bass Weejuns (ralph)

1. Answer the above questions in a blog posting.
2. Identify the people who you are going to tag, and
3. Acknowledge who tagged you.

Alrighty then, I have no idea who likes or will do these memes (someone fill me in about why they're called that, because they're all about me?)

Manager Mom

Tammie Lee

Neutron

Morton

Tag, you're it.

Linky Linkersons

2008-07-27T11:39:00.004-04:00

If anyone would (or would not) like to be linked on here, please let me know. No reciprocation required. Some people seem to like their blog to be more "private" and get shy if linked so I was hesitant on a few. It's not gonna be all jazz hands or anything, just a simple linky. Im'ma gonna try to re-do and complete this week so letta me know ok?

Also, check this out. Brooks linked it on his site. Whether you are, have, or ever will be in this situation (child or parent), it will speak to you I am sure of it. I found it especially poignant because of my grandmother's situation right now.

And sometimes you close your eyes and see the place where you used to live

2008-07-26T10:00:00.003-04:00

I just finished reading Black Swan Green and I absolutely loved it. It has left me with a warm, satisfied feeling that I anticipate will last the day. I feel very peaceful and dreamlike after a good book. Like I just ate a delicious new dish with a fine glass of wine.
There was a portion of the book that talked about another novel called Le Grand Meaulnes (The Wanderer) by Alain Fournier. I was so excited by this as I read this little novel (the English version) last summer. It was one of favourite reads. Both are about the magic, the pain, the mystery and endless discoveries of childhood and adolescence. It struck me how little we really change as we age. We just forget the awesomeness of discovery we had as kids, the absolute wonder as truths unfold. We also tend to forget the insecurity, occasional self loathing and painful desire to either fit in, or disappear.
Just as I was finishing the last page, the most wicked and powerful storm struck up with torrential rains, booming thunder & tree bending winds. I was filled with overpowering joy witnessing this. Then the sun came out.
It was a perfect ending.

The Last Lecture

2008-07-25T14:01:00.002-04:00

If you have the patience to watch this it is quite inspirational. He died today.

Girls on film (two minutes later) Girls on film

2008-07-24T14:11:00.003-04:00

Ok, yesterday's post made me feel like I was naked standing in front of my locker. Or even worse, wearing my granny gown whilst wandering the halls. This was a recurring dream of mine during high school. Apparently due to the conflicted feelings I had for my ankle-length cream-coloured flannel gown with pink flowers and lace trim. It was hot and twisted around my entire body by the time morning had rolled around, yet I felt a curious devotion to it. Perhaps because my grandma gave it to me? Or because I was in love with Laura Ingalls? ...Probably more the latter.
No matter, after I was finally free of it, I have continued to rebel wearing nothing but undies or a shortie set. I'm not a naked sleeper. I can do it for a short period of time sure but as soon as I'm up for the bathroom, something must be slipped on. Kinda like no matter how hot it is I must at least have a sheet covering me. Maybe I'm worried someone will break in with a camera & photograph me? Or perhaps due to traumatic incidents from childhood viewing naked parents? Again, probably more the latter.

Thanks for your kind comments & e-mails. ♥

I want to walk in the open wind

2008-07-23T20:52:00.005-04:00

This week has been crushing me. Like a bug under a rock when a giant sits on it.
I have heard so much bad sad mad news it has me mired in a pit of despair. (Whoa Shakespeare)
There have been two deaths, two relationship break-ups, and it seems everyone I know has a friend or relative with cancer right now.

My wonderful father had to bring my grandmother to a home for people with dementia against her will. He said he felt like he was dropping off his seven year-old at boarding school. My heart weeps for her right now. She lives in Rochester, NY and we cannot bring her here.

An old and very dear friend rang me last night to tell me about the severe problems my beloved childhood best friend is having. I am so emotionally exhausted I wasn't even able to deal with it last night. He hasn't seen me in fifteen years and was asking me about my "perfect" life and my "perfect" kids and my "perfect" relationship. (He was drunk) When i told him this is not true, he said i was only making it up to make him feel better about his own "shitty life". This is how much I have pretended. To myself mostly. Some people actually think my life is golden. To express private pain leaves me feeling like a raw exposed wound. It's not a feeling I enjoy.

Pair this with no sleep and a cycle of depression and you've got one every unhappy camper. As hard as it was to get out of bed this morning (even if I had been mostly awake since 5), I need have the routine of work to keep myself from slipping further sometimes.

I had a few e-mail chats with a very wise and awesome blogger who I have never talked to before and it helped, a lot. I need to change some things and I need help. For me to admit this aloud, which is what I'm doing here, is the first step i guess.

So if you're reading, thankyou, just thankyou.

The unbearable burden of always being right

2008-07-22T19:05:00.006-04:00

The hardest thing about being at the cottage with no internet?
No google to end debates and show everyone how RIGHT I was about everything. Harumph.
Now if only I had kept notes...

Let's dance in style, let's dance for awhile

2008-07-21T19:35:00.008-04:00

I just finished reading an excerpt of a memoir by Elizabeth McCracken in O magazine of all places. It was about the birth of her stillborn baby and subsequent feelings of extreme pain, loss, and ultimately some sort of peace. It really resonated with me. It was just amazingly written. Wow.

I'm also reading Black Swan Green by David Mitchell and really enjoying it. It was recommended by Daisy I think. It takes place during the period of the Falklands war from the perspective of a 13 year old British boy. Completely coincidentally, I was rummaging around our crawl space today and came across one of my (many) old and unfinished diaries. This one happened to be written when I was thirteen. I was struck by how unrecognizable this girl was to me. I read with interest and curiosity but little recognition. From the few entries I read, thirteen looks like it was a relatively peaceful year in my world. Maybe that is why I can't really remember it... The traumatic ones tend to have more impact. Also surprised at my innocence and naivete. I do remember 14 and I was up to all sorts of shenanigans. I already was smoking a bit(cigs and a bit of pot from the looks of it) very boy crazy, but my thoughts were so child-like and optimistic and trusting. There is something in there my mom told me that I took at face value and realize now it was a total lie. I must confront her with this!

For the first time ever reading my childhood journals I felt maternal towards myself rather than like a peer. I love that I found this today. I am struggling a bit with my daughter and reading my own memoir has made me realize I am way too hard on her. I always thought I was such a mature, wise, smart kid and then reading this stuff? Oh man, so wrong. Just an innocent, confused, mostly nice kid, bewildered and amazed and excited about the world.

They took all the trees and put them in a tree museum

2008-07-20T21:54:00.008-04:00

Went to see Wall-E today. And, well...meh. Didn't love it. I know, I know, I am obviously devoid of a human heart.

I did find it adorable whenever he or his robot girlfriend said his name. It will oft be repeated by me in the days to come, both aloud and in my head.

I liked the first half hour when he was immersed in his trinkets (Zippo lighters, a Rubik's Cube, videotapes, bubble wrap). Did all his treasures have to be from 1985 though? All the Gen-Xers accompanying their kids need to feel included too i guess. The 80's is apparently the decade that will never ever end. If it did, what music would we all listen to? Geesh.

Frankly, the human blobs disturbed me. And the ending? Cha...right!

It had an important message though which was in summary: Don't be a fat consumer and buy unnecessary shit that will kill the world and make sure to never stop walking or your bones and muscles will atrophy.

I am a super sour grinch today though. Could be because I smoked at the cottage and am now going through evil withdrawal yet again. I am sweetness and light. I am sweetness and light.

2008-07-19T22:25:00.013-04:00

Eureka! I found my USB cable. (Thanks for the proper terminology Tara). All the sun and sand has apparently made me really, really stupid.

My brother owns a place just outside of a small town on Lake Huron. He rents it out in the summer but we always spend at least one week there with most of the family. The family keeps getting bigger every year so it's hard for all of us to be there all at the same time. This year we were lucky because we were there all week while the others came and went so we got to spend time with everyone. Everyone includes my mom and dad, my sister Katherine and her husband and their two children, my brother (sans girlfriend who had to work), my youngest sister and her fiance, and of course the five of us. My friend and her boyfriend also joined us for a night.

I am very big on tradition so I ~~forced~~ encouraged whoever was around to participate in various activities. These included the annual Saturday night parade, going to the public beach to walk the piers and the boardwalk, driving to the neighbouring town for homemade fudge, getting an ice cream cone at my favourite place, going for a mini-hike in the provincial park, and other SUPER taxing activities. From the groans of some people you'd think I was asking them to run a triathlon.

To sum up, we had a total blast. The weather was perfect, we swam in the lake numerous times daily, we did everything on my "list" (I am an addicted chronic list maker), played lots of games, drank lots of wine, ate lots of food, read books, had lots of laughs. No-one got on my nerves and I was sad each time someone had to leave throughout the week.

The only thing I am not super fond of at the cottage frommage is the shower. It's more a fragile little trickle than a shower really. It has two temps: freeze your balls off cold or scald your nips off hot. I'm not fond of either. So my plans for the evening will be a long, warm, glorious shower.

I look forward to the drive up and back every time. I love to see the fields and how the crops change from spring to early summer and then harvest time. I took a bazillion photos and I'll post them throughout the week but here are some of the surrounding countryside.

This post is just a distraction taking me away from the seventeen damp and stinky loads of laundry I have to do. For added enjoyment, occasionally a big creepy earwig or spider who hitched a ride to the city crawls out to greet me. Well hello there.

It's a cruel, (cruel) summer

2008-07-19T20:16:00.006-04:00

So I went one whole week without the internet and I am BOMBARDED with news upon my return. The Angelina twins have graced the world, SJP had her mole removed and you can now comment upon one's facebook status?! Holey moley, when will the madness end?!!
Some of the ~~weaker~~ others ventured into the internet cafe but I was ever so vigilant. I suppose one could chalk it up to my extreme slothfulness when in close proximity to a beach.

I had such a super sweet time with my whole entire family that I definitely have a bad case of the post-holiday blues.
To compound matters and make them ever so dire, I cannot find the cord thingy to upload my photos. Alack!
I shall return.

You got your hair combed back, and your sunglasses on baby

2008-07-11T23:14:00.012-04:00

I went to Chapters today to buy some books for the cottage and ended up buying these for my daughter.

(Fairyopolis is of course secretly for me). Did anyone read The Flower Fairies poems when they were kids? Loved them.

I had to be fair so I picked up these for the boys.

Jack was seriously overcome when I gave him that Transformer book. He wants to be Optimus Prime. Apparently being able to transform into a semi truck is a really coveted skill if you're 6. I could totally explain to you the epic battle between the Autobots and the Decepticons over their planet Cybertron. But I won't. Just know that I could because I really am that cool! When I gave it to him he actually said "Suh-weet!", followed by, "I love you Mommy...and not just because you bought me this book either". Which of course means that is TOTALLY why he is feeling the love.
Ben is enthralled by skeletons right now and launched into a long discussion at dinner about all of our skulls and what colour they are underneath our skin. Awesome dude. He is really channelling Napoleon Dynamite these days.

Since I blew my book budget, I decided to get my books at the library. I was accosted by a very talkative and very crazy old guy sitting outside. We had a nice chat about cars and Tim Horton's and he guessed my name is Nicole. (It isn't).
Then inside as I was perusing biography I was approached by a Mike Drudge lookalike who started an animated (one-sided) conversation about Carlos Castaneda. Who knew the public library was so fun?

It was around this time that Daisy looked up at me quizzically and asked if there were a lot of weird people at the library. To which I affirmed that indeed there were.

Here's what I got based on your suggestions.

Thanks for all the feedback. I will definitely check out the others at a later date.

My friend and I went to see Under the Same Moon tonight. Mostly because there was really nothing else. It was enjoyable, cute, touching.

I'm away for a week and may or may not have interwebs availability.

Have a great week!