This week has been crushing me. Like a bug under a rock when a giant sits on it.
I have heard so much bad sad mad news it has me mired in a pit of despair. (Whoa Shakespeare)
There have been two deaths, two relationship break-ups, and it seems everyone I know has a friend or relative with cancer right now.
My wonderful father had to bring my grandmother to a home for people with dementia against her will. He said he felt like he was dropping off his seven year-old at boarding school. My heart weeps for her right now. She lives in Rochester, NY and we cannot bring her here.
An old and very dear friend rang me last night to tell me about the severe problems my beloved childhood best friend is having. I am so emotionally exhausted I wasn't even able to deal with it last night. He hasn't seen me in fifteen years and was asking me about my "perfect" life and my "perfect" kids and my "perfect" relationship. (He was drunk) When i told him this is not true, he said i was only making it up to make him feel better about his own "shitty life". This is how much I have pretended. To myself mostly. Some people actually think my life is golden. To express private pain leaves me feeling like a raw exposed wound. It's not a feeling I enjoy.
Pair this with no sleep and a cycle of depression and you've got one every unhappy camper. As hard as it was to get out of bed this morning (even if I had been mostly awake since 5), I need have the routine of work to keep myself from slipping further sometimes.
I had a few e-mail chats with a very wise and awesome blogger who I have never talked to before and it helped, a lot. I need to change some things and I need help. For me to admit this aloud, which is what I'm doing here, is the first step i guess.
So if you're reading, thankyou, just thankyou.