Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I want to walk in the open wind

This week has been crushing me. Like a bug under a rock when a giant sits on it.
I have heard so much bad sad mad news it has me mired in a pit of despair. (Whoa Shakespeare)
There have been two deaths, two relationship break-ups, and it seems everyone I know has a friend or relative with cancer right now.

My wonderful father had to bring my grandmother to a home for people with dementia against her will. He said he felt like he was dropping off his seven year-old at boarding school. My heart weeps for her right now. She lives in Rochester, NY and we cannot bring her here.

An old and very dear friend rang me last night to tell me about the severe problems my beloved childhood best friend is having. I am so emotionally exhausted I wasn't even able to deal with it last night. He hasn't seen me in fifteen years and was asking me about my "perfect" life and my "perfect" kids and my "perfect" relationship. (He was drunk) When i told him this is not true, he said i was only making it up to make him feel better about his own "shitty life". This is how much I have pretended. To myself mostly. Some people actually think my life is golden. To express private pain leaves me feeling like a raw exposed wound. It's not a feeling I enjoy.

Pair this with no sleep and a cycle of depression and you've got one every unhappy camper. As hard as it was to get out of bed this morning (even if I had been mostly awake since 5), I need have the routine of work to keep myself from slipping further sometimes.

I had a few e-mail chats with a very wise and awesome blogger who I have never talked to before and it helped, a lot. I need to change some things and I need help. For me to admit this aloud, which is what I'm doing here, is the first step i guess.

So if you're reading, thankyou, just thankyou.


Jill said...

What a raw, open, and honest post. I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother - and your friend's family. That's a lot of weight for one persons shoulders.

Thanks for using your blog as a way to express your emotions, your feelings. We're here to listen - and offer our virtual shoulders as best we can!

vinny said...

Tomorrow is a brand new day.

I know, I'm so cliche.

LceeL said...

I wish there was something I could do.
I wish there was something I could say.
It just breaks my heart that there's nothing I can do or say to help.

neutron said...

The short term fix: I'm thinking back to a previous post, where your sister came over and you felt obligated to get out and do stuff. You ended up feeling way better even though you initially just wanted to hibernate.

The long term: if it helps, we all need help and have lots that need changing ... it is our own self awareness that makes people different.

much luv.

Sogeshirtsguy said...

Sorry to hear about that Eve. I hate when bad news piles up at once. You'll get through it.

Tammie Lee said...

First my heart goes to you!
Also I have had a week of similar bad news. I have heard this from many people, makes me wonder why so much all at once. Your vulnerability is a wonderful offering, thank you!

daisy said...

So sorry about all that's going on for your family and friends.

Even the pressure to 'be happy' can be unbearable sometimes. Once in a while, let yourself slide, you may come out the other end feeling a bit stronger, a bit better, a bit more capable of handling what life throws at you.

Sometimes we just have to wade through it. Sucky though it is.

Joe said...

Hang in there. Life is full of ups and downs, and this, too, shall pass.